Beloved Flower Lover,
I gently awoke this morning to the telly on very quietly. It was on really low. My husband was watching Team GB and had just pulled a puff on his cigarette.
He is ill.
He returned to bed, and was weazing.
He turned to me and said he needed to tell me something.
He told me that his blood sugar was high and as I hugged him, I felt him disappear. I realise that I was terrified. I could not change his health. I could not make a difference. I felt it was pointless to push him to be optimistic. I thought about the yellow roses still in the kitchen in the vase that where for him.
I felt bad because I was scared, vulnerable because I can’t change his health. I am terrified that if he sees this fear that he can’t draw strength from me.I am scared of losing him. My husband, but i stay with him. I am not going to try to make him feel different, I am ok with how he feels. I am here for him just as he is. I do not need him to be different for me. I do not need him to be better just because I can see he is ill. I am ok with him, just as he is. With is illness.
I do still ask him not to smoke in the bedroom whilst I hug him. I love him. it’s ok for him to be ill. I have his heart already, he has mine. Instead I asked, how can we play more while we are still here together. That’s what I want from us. Just playing and enjoying what ever we want to do with each other.
The London Flower Lover
p.s. Teal has news for us in the video below she says… The door to your heart will be unlocked the minute you get that you have adopted a very unconscious and extremely painful limiting belief that you cannot have yourself and have other people at the same time. And guess what? It isn’t true. There doesn’t have to be a conflict between your sense of self and connecting with other people. You can have boundaries and have connection. You can have yourself and have other people at the exact same time