Beloved Flower Lover,
There is a mega discussion going on in our studio and this is the gist of it. Kate Middleton said NO to taking crumbs from her man, then things totally changed.
Well, what ever you think of this idea, we wanted to let you know that we get our inspiration from Dr Diana Kirschner.
There is so much going on this week to do with romance and marriage, so many things and it highlights all sorts of patterns of love and romance. We love our favourite Love Doctor, Dr Diana and have a snippet of her advice to share with you….
…We are not married but have lived together for about 5 years. After the first year, we started having a lot of arguments mainly about clutter (I tend to collect things). A few times I promised to get rid of some clothes and things (I really should) but never did. The reason for that is that I always felt he cared more about the house than me. It wounded me. I realize now that was wrong. Since the first fights also there was zero happening in the bedroom. When I approached him a few times, he said he didn’t want to do it. I just kind of turned off that whole aspect. A month ago he suddenly said he wanted me to move out. We had some more arguments. During one of our fights I asked him if there was another woman and he said yes. I even told him that though it was wrong I would be willing to forgive that. I am just beside myself and don’t know what to do.” ~Jean, Philadelphia
Well she could be from anywhere, London, New York, Kingston Jamaica; anywhere what has our master teacher Diana has to say about this. Why we love Dr Kirschner is because she gets to the point in such a loving supportive way. She is really helpful, ok, more words from Dr Diana
Jean is stuck in what I call the “Crumbs” Deadly Dating Pattern. In this pattern you are involved with a man who does not provide for your needs. In Jean’s case, her live-in boyfriend was not being intimate with her, not being sexual and ultimately turning to another woman. Yet, she stayed in an ultra-accepting and giving mode. Hoping that at some point her love and caring would turn him around. Instead he moved FARTHER away from her and became more and more EMOTIONALLY DISTANT. The Crumbs pattern is very common and pretty much guaranteed to do the opposite of what you hope for–instead of drawing your man in, it pushes him away!
In this pattern you are involved with a man (maybe married or a hot irresistible player) who sees you occasionally and only when it works in his schedule. If you play close attention you may see that he is a flaming narcissist, who does not seem to know that anyone outside of himself really exists. He may go through the motions, but fundamentally is not really interested in anything your life.
For the most part he treats you well when he is with you. If he’s wealthy, he may buy Manolos or take you to five-star dinners. He may take you to the Promised Land in bed. But he cuts you off if his wife or his “old flame” enters the scene. (Mr. Big played this role in Sex and the City.) And he’s never available when you need or want him. This pattern causes you a great deal of sadness and pain, yet you think that overall it’s a good deal. You spend a lot of time thinking and fantasizing about him: how he’s going to leave his wife or stop being a player, or cut back on his work schedule and be with you in a rose-covered cottage or on the beach in Maui. Of course he does make noises or promises in that direction. In your heart of hearts you secretly know that day will never come, but you’re afraid to act on that knowledge. Although you’d never admit it, even to your best friend, you believe that this second-class status is the very best you’ll ever be able to get and you’re damn lucky to have it.
The Crumbs Fix: Give up the crumbs and take a seat at the banquet table. First, break up with the men that are only giving you crumbs. Then make a rule: I only date men who are (a) available and (b) crazy about me (for real). Try this on for size, even if it means spending time with men who “aren’t good enough” but who treat you like royalty. By the way, if you do this, the crumb-giver may come around! If he starts courting you, give him a chance. But don’t jump right back in. Slowly let him prove to you that he is changing. Encourage him to go into therapy or work on himself to see if he can be more giving and the two of you can come together in a way that is fulfilling for both of you.
You need to learn about what it really means to be loved. A master Love Mentor who is very generous can help you with this issue. Make an affirmation to the effect of, “I deserve respect, care and love.” Post it where you can read it every day. Treat yourself with TLC. Practice asking for what you want, no matter how expensive or “inappropriate” or “bothersome” it is. Also, practice receiving and saying “Yes,” when those things come to you. Because they will. Especially if you work with a loving mentor.
Kathie, a self-described Crumbs type, is one of the new mentees in my Love coaching program. Here’s Kathie’s email after she had the courage to break up with her boyfriend:
“He couldn’t even kiss me the way I wanted to be kissed and even used to put less food on my plate whenever he cooked, which was rarely. And I found out he is taking another girlfriend to his birthday bash, planned that while he was still seeing me! What I realize is that I don’t speak up enough about what I want or how I want things to go, so I shouldn’t be surprised when I don’t get them. My pattern is to not say anything and stuff myself with binge eating. I think the eating is out of that hunger, that need that never gets fulfilled. Certainly not with the a’holes I choose. I feel so relieved to have given myself a Love Mentor to help me get rid of someone who took me for granted. I now honestly know that I deserve a great love relationship!”
Just like Kathie, you too can work with a handpicked Love Mentor who has used the Love in 90 Days principles to get happily married. Each mentor is a gifted coach who can help you BREAK FREE of relationships that are not fulfilling and find the love of your dreams. And for a limited time you can have a free 45 minute session by phone or Skype. Contact Dr Diana at http://www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to arrange your free Love Mentoring session.
Wishing you love
The London Flower Lover